Am I a Good Person?

Have you ever asked yourself if you are a good person? I have been asking myself that question lately, and honestly, it is prompted more by not getting what I want than by caring whether I am a good person. I know, it would be nice to think I only care about being a good person. But I have to admit to selfish motivations stemming from not getting what I want. Does that mean I am not a good person?

I am a bit superstitious; I have an idea that we are rewarded for being good and punished for being bad. I cannot shake it. I also believe that we can make deals with God and the Universe. And right now, I am not getting what I want. Obstacles continually arise, keeping my goals out of reach. It is easy to feel everyone’s goals get met but mine.

But I do like to be a good person. And self-exploration is important for me. So I wonder, am I a good person?

Out of the blue, a good friend sent me a text, and all it said was:

Everything you think about

is about you.

Angelo

Angelo is Angelo DiLullo, a physician and spiritual teacher, and my friends’ latest favorite teacher. The thought that everything I think is always about me felt true and disturbing. And, if it was true, how could I be a good person? Because the idea of everything being about me does not resonate with giving to others selflessly, which I equate to being a good person.

As a younger man, I made deals with God. I believed that was something you could do, and to be honest, I still feel that way. I hope it is true. I told God that I would take my fair share of suffering and ills, but would not accept anything major like the loss of a loved one or any physical suffering that would take away my ability to live a normal life. So far, so good. I do have my fair share of suffering. And it is keeping me from my goals. Whether God or the Universe are involved is possibly beside the point. Maybe the deal was always with me, and now I am honoring it.

That could mean that I am a product of my own making, and that there is no reason I cannot have everything I want. But I would feel guilty if I did get everything I want. Because I can see that a large portion of humanity is starving, has poor health, does not have the benefits of a rich society the way I do, and has historically been persecuted in ways difficult for me to accept. This became clear to me as a young boy, and I decided then and there that I must accept my fair portion of the suffering. It is not easy to let go of that limiting belief because if I do, then my deal with God may fall apart. I may have more suffering. This is a path I may not be ready to go down yet, but worth noting. For now, I want to stay focused on the question: Am I a good person?

I have actually had this question throughout my life. Right now, it is tied to specific money-making projects that are not working out. Is my motivation to build them and see them succeed because I care about others, or because I want to make money?

Being honest is important, and I know that I am doing this for money. And that I also care. But why do I care? Who are these people to me? What would actually make me care?

Wait, what happened to my question about why my money-making efforts are not succeeding! My process of inquiry is being hijacked.

This is an important observation about inner reflection. One exploratory pathway leads to another deeper line of inquiry. There is no clear answer regarding my material desire to make money; instead, a clear path is being lit, pointing me to a deeper question. Are we only supposed to care about ourselves? Is there some inherent thing that makes us care? And if there is something built in to make us care, then does that mean that because we are built to care, there is no free will part of me that cares?

I hope that some force helps me to achieve my material goals, but it is comforting that my desire is steering me toward deeper questioning.