Critical Thinking and Emotions

Learn To Stop Talking For Better Relationships

Shout out to Phil Petachenko for his suggestion to apply critical thinking to emotions. Excellent topic! Phil is an excellent healer of body, mind, and soul. The link under his name will take you to some excellent articles and his website.

My mother taught me at a young age that if I have nothing nice to say, I should say nothing at all. It is tough, and I'm still learning, but I appreciate the great advice and guidance. I like to talk, sort of like the way a snake moves its tongue to understand its surroundings. Plus, who decides what is nice and whether it needs to be said? In my world, there is always something to say, and it is essential because it is a feeling I have about something. I seem only to be able to release feelings with my words. But releasing feelings using words that hurt others is not a good way to live. I want to be better than that (notice that a decision is being made here - I am deciding not to hurt others only to satisfy my emotional venting). Can I choose to stop venting on others?

Before I make that choice, I must honestly reflect and then make an informed decision. Decision-making is critical. We can make decisions easily; however, many of these decisions lack practicality or fail to get done. Translation: We often make decisions we don’t follow through on. Making a genuinely informed decision requires some effort. First, we must cultivate our awareness of ourselves to understand how the decisions we make will impact both ourselves and others. Then we must ensure that the decision is important to us, not to others, and that we intend to act upon it, regardless of how difficult the task or the sacrifice may be. I generally do this through self-reflection, questioning, and journaling.

Here is an example of how I would approach this, along with the questions I might reflect upon or journal about: Do I have the ability to honor the decision, whether through discipline or sufficient conviction in my morality or personal code of conduct? Why am I making this decision? Does it benefit me? Is it the way I want to behave? What will be the costs to me? For instance, how will I deal with the consequences of not getting what I want by making the decision? What tools will I need to cope with any sacrifices I may make, such as emotional venting? Then I would conduct a cost-benefit analysis to ensure the cost is justified for my benefit, again, not for others. We can do it for others, but not as effectively as we can do it for ourselves, so it is best to find the benefits for ourselves. You can see that this takes some serious work, but each time you run through this process, it builds upon the previous insights and becomes much quicker and easier. The real benefit is that you begin to make informed decisions and learn to make only those decisions that you can and will enact.

Now, assuming we decide to act without venting on others, how will we abide by this decision, and what tools will we use? This is where the rubber hits the road; it is critical to have a viable plan for carrying out our decision, and it needs to be in place before we get into an emotional exchange. Let’s do a bit more reflection.

Excuse the redundancy, but this is important. The more time you spend working through all the aspects of what this decision will mean, the more likely you are to stick to your decision. Here are some of the questions I would reflect upon. Do I want to vent even if it hurts someone else? Do I want to vent even if it doesn’t get me what I want? Is it true that when I am emotional, the answer to these two questions is yes, but when I settle myself down, the answer is no? Is it more important for me to be right in the moment or get what I really want? Would I rather be right or be loving?

You may find during this process that you care very much about not hurting others, or you may find that you do not care. That’s okay; you have learned something about yourself. Nothing requires you to behave in any particular way. You might even decide that you do not want to work toward any change in your behavior. But if you do decide to change your behavior, you need to find some tools to help make that happen.

Fortunately, I have some tools that have helped me, and I believe they will also help you. I view emotions as energy; yes, they are thoughts and feelings, but also a form of energy. You can decide this for yourself by paying attention to how your body reacts to strong emotions. When you are nervous, do you sweat, do your muscles tighten, or does your breathing rate increase? What things actually happen to you physically? These are expenditures of energy. Your thoughts produce feelings; if you think you are in danger, you will feel fear, whether or not there is any danger. If you fall in love and believe your intended feels the same way, you are euphoric, but if somebody tells you that your intended does not love you or is romantically involved with someone else, you will feel devastated. It matters not that any of these things are true; it only matters if you believe in the thought that they are true. Then the feelings will happen, along with the physical manifestations. Thoughts become feelings, and the feelings manifest energetically. Because of this, it is beneficial to find a way to move that energy, which is why we cry when we are sad and yell when we are mad. Our body moves the energy. We can choose to move our energy too, but instead of doing so unconsciously, we can learn to consciously and responsibly direct it in our own time and place of our choosing.

Some people find it easy to cry, and others find it easier to scream. No matter which one you use to start, you will eventually move in the direction the energy takes you, because your body knows how to let that energy flow. Whether you begin by yelling or crying, your body will eventually reach the movement it needs. This is a well-known process called catharsis. Let me mention two important things about catharsis in real life. First, you need a decent period of time to do this properly, at least an hour, and second, you need a safe and private place. You can do this in your bedroom at home or while out on a walk or run, but somewhere where you won't be hindered by concerns about being watched or not having enough time. Here is a link to a video that demonstrates one of the tools I use.

Few folks in the world can trigger me faster than an ex-wife, well, maybe also my current wife, but I do not want that trigger to cause a fight. If I were to get angry or preach, we would likely end up in a fight. This trigger occurs in both private and public settings, and I do not want to act out upon it, especially in a restaurant or in front of my children. What do you do? My emotions are too stirred up, too big to ignore. I must find a way to let some of that steam off before I blow. This is a familiar feeling that we all experience when we get emotionally triggered. When you only have a few seconds, that video I shared will also show you the super-fast tool I use. It is a method for screaming without making a sound, and you can do it in just a few seconds.

You might resist doing this, but that is a mistake. So, I have another trick that helps me overcome resistance. I imagine myself as a child throwing a tantrum in public, with everyone watching, which prompts me to go to the bathroom or step outside and silently scream into my elbow (as the video demonstrates).

The longer version of moving emotional energy is to set aside at least one hour for meditation. This can be done in many ways, but I prefer the modern-day meditation, which is described here. However, nearly any form of meditation will work, as long as you allow yourself to enter an open and deep state. Then, using your intuitive mind, become aware of the most pressing emotion and allow yourself to become immersed in it. Let the emotion move your body and your thoughts where they need to go. Stay aware of the insights and sensations, and use your deeper mind (as opposed to your reactive mind) to become more aware of core issues, childhood traumas, and the beliefs you hold around this emotion. This will allow you to gain insight and release pent-up emotions. Before stopping your meditation, ask your deepest self, higher self, God, or a Higher Power to help you gain more insight and understanding. Even if you only do the very smallest part of this meditation, you will shift your emotions, and that will help tremendously. However, you always have the opportunity to gain more awareness and control if you want to practice this meditation more diligently.

The easiest way to improve and be the loving man I want to be is to keep my mouth shut. Unless I have taken the time to move my emotions, thoroughly thought through what I am going to say and why I am going to say it, and how that will improve the other person’s life, keeping my mouth shut is the best option. Many times, by keeping my mouth closed, things worked out better than I imagined when I thought something needed to be said.