What is Fear For?
It’s 2 a.m., and I can’t breathe properly. I started building lots again, and to do that, you have to take out a loan. We built 124 lots and have a $12 million loan. I can’t sell the lots. I will just leave that here.
My 69th birthday was on Friday. I’m doing great, thank you very much. Well, maybe not last night. Things are tough right now, and there is no honest way to pretend it will go away or get better. In fact, it will likely get worse, possibly catastrophic. Last night, that hit me too hard, and I was unable to overcome a panic attack, even using every tool I have. That is a very unpleasant thing.
But this morning I woke up feeling back on track. I was able to enjoy the day. It is dinnertime, and I sit in our Florida condo writing this down while looking at the ocean. My wonderful wife has made a delicious dinner that my 10-year-old daughter and her friend just set on my desk. Pretty good.
The real question now is ‘how will I get through this?’ Not the actual financial situation, which will take years, but how will I get through the mental torture chamber that this amount of stress and worry can produce? Thank God I am recognizing that is the more important question, because it is.
The first priority is to remember that I have control over my thoughts and that my thoughts produce my feelings. Here is one tool I use to help with that - a daily reminder app called Things. In that app, I put important things to remember, and once a week I get this one:
My happiness is determined by my outlook and thoughts. My power and Divine right to choose my thoughts is the key.
Underneath that reminder, I have elaborated: I choose to be optimistic and positive, and to have faith in my health, my happiness, and my financial success. This is supported by past facts, current facts, and information, and is the obvious conclusion. The only reason I feel concerned or worry is solely due to fearful projections and thinking. It is a choice to be happy and optimistic, and a much better choice than being fearful and pessimistic.
This is the first of many helpful tools, because situations like ours require multiple tools.
Another voice in my head reminds me that I am in this position because I made mistakes. That we could end up liquidating everything and going into poverty because of those mistakes. That my father was right all those years when he told me I was a loser and a useless bum. My stomach churns.
Those are deep systemic programming fears that I have wrestled with my entire life. And I need to find a meditative way (another tool) to center myself, let go of emotional, reactive thinking, and look honestly at things. Not lie. Not sugarcoat. But not get into the David 1.0 feeling sorry for myself, the world is always against me, victim mode.
Once in a meditative state, I must use my awareness and look at things honestly. The objective truth is that we have a 25% chance of doom, a 60% chance of getting through this over the next five years, and a 15% chance of a miracle. Give or take. That is not a total doomsday scenario, and it is important for me to remember that and go back to this reality when my mind takes me into the pits of hell.
I also have my Triads, a Tony Robbins teaching, which I have told you about before. There is the David 1.0 Triad, The Loser, and there is the David 2.0 Triad, The Rock. I do not have to allow the Loser Triad to take over; I can choose the Rock. Because I have crafted and honed my Triads for months, I know how David 2.0 feels, acts, stands, moves, and thinks.
I also have daily incantations in my Things app. There are many, but the few I need today are: There is always a way, I am worthy, I am resourceful, and I choose joy. More on that last one next.
We are in Florida for three weeks. We come this time every year. My daughter has her friend; my older son and his wife and daughter will be here; and my wife Oksana’s cousin and his family will be here. This is the annual vacation. Do I want to be here with my guts twisted and a dry mouth and in total fear? Do I want to feel so guilty that I cannot stop thinking about my mistakes? Or do I want to choose joy? I want to choose joy.
Did I actually make mistakes? Of course I did, it is impossible to live a life without them. But I did not make the type of mistakes I am projecting in my mind; I am not a loser, my father was not right. He may even have been projecting or venting if I want to be gracious. And I do.
I am in a risky business. That is true. I chose this risky business nearly 50 years ago. But it is who I am. I take risks. Sometimes they pile up. Like now. But I can see that we have a 75% chance of getting through this, that I am not a loser, that I chose to live a life with risk, and that even though it will be difficult — I can choose my thoughts and how I will show up. I can still choose joy. As a matter of fact, choosing joy, giving up a large chunk of the worry and suffering, will likely increase my chances of success.
Every few minutes, I still feel my guts tighten, and then I choose joy. I have to repeat that hundreds of times throughout the day, and probably will for the next week. Soon, it will only take a few dozen times a day. Maybe later, only once a day. It takes constant work.
There are many tools. I have mentioned some foundational tools above, but here are a few more.
Framing - framing the obstacles and situations that I encounter. For example, you could view my current situation as an exhilarating challenge. Why not? There are people who find the highest cliff and then jump off wearing only a wingsuit. That is literally nuts from my perspective, but they love it. Is my ride really any less exhilarating? Is it possible that somehow, from a higher state, I actually chose this ride?
Having a partner - getting help is also an important tool. But it is important that I do not use that help as a place to dump my fears or feel sorry for myself. I have to first let go of my fear and self-pity so that I can receive help. So I told Oksana we’re a team now. I need you to be strong. Then I told her about the mammoth.
Years ago, I wrote a story about a mammoth hunt. The tribe is starving. The herd moves out of range in days. The only way anyone eats is if every single person does the one job that’s theirs. Some drive the calf — on purpose — so the terrified mother chases it toward the trees. Others wait in the trees. When she runs underneath, one of them, a man named Croag, drops onto her back. An enormous, panicking animal, bucking to throw him into the rocks. And he holds on. He works himself up toward her neck and does the brutal, necessary thing, so they can track her until she falls and the tribe lives through the winter.
If the drivers lose their nerve, nobody eats. If Croag lets go when she bucks, nobody eats.
If I get too deep into fear, I will not jump, and we will not eat. If my wife does not drive the animal toward the tree where I am waiting to jump, we will not eat. That’s the picture I gave my wife. You drive the mammoth toward the tree. I’ll be the one who holds on and does what needs to be done. Neither of us can do the other’s job. And neither of us can let our fear loose in the middle of it, or we don’t eat. A team. Work together. Support each other.
So now what
I won’t pretend the mammoth isn’t real. I’m sixty-nine. There’s property I’ve built that may not sell. Money owed and lenders that could move in directions we don’t want. These next years are genuinely going to be hard. Stepping back from the fear doesn’t shrink any of that. The numbers are the numbers. But the numbers cannot steal my joy.
And, what if the worst happens? Will I choose suffering or joy? Choosing joy may not change outcomes, but avoiding joy in the present moment won’t either.
The fear will be back.
So who gets the last word on what's real — the fear, or you?
Here is one of the things I am building to get through this: a project I have been working on for months has just gone live. PrepDoc AI is a tool I built to help people organize their supplements, understand their labs, and prepare questions to ask their doctor. We are in beta testing, and if you want to do me the favor of testing the site and sharing feedback, I would be honored. The normal price is $29, but here is a coupon for 50% off, valid until the end of June: BETA50.